I'll be completely honest - when I found out I was going to have a second child, I had a bit of a panic attack. And not because the baby wasn't planned and wanted, nor out of fear that I won't be able to cope with two children who are only three years apart. The truth is that I was struck by completely different fears - I began to wonder how my three-year-old daughter would feel, whether I would have the same violent feelings for my second child, and whether I would be able to give another being that unreserved, immeasurable love that already experienced.
There is a running joke that when expecting a child for the first time, we count the days until the due date, and when it happens again (especially if it's by a small margin) we try not to forget exactly WHEN the due date is. Well, it makes sense. During my second pregnancy, there was no trace of the excitement I felt when it happened to me the first time - there was no fussing over tiny clothes, no reading "what's happening with the baby week by week", I was so busy caring for my daughter , that I didn't even have time to shop before I gave birth. And when I found out that I was expecting a girl again, I decided that there was no need at all - I already had a full arsenal of kicks, dresses and accessories left over from the poo.
One day my older daughter asked me - "Mom, when the baby comes, will you still love me?" I felt like I was committing a betrayal and taking some of my love and attention away from her. My bad conscience about her mixed with my bad conscience about my unborn child - because I never managed to get excited in the same way. However, my daughter, as if reading my fears, added. "I'll give the baby all my toys and cuddle him next to me in the crib."
The day my second daughter was born
Becoming a mother is something that cannot be described - it must be experienced. Yes, it sounds a little cliche, but it really is. And becoming a mother for the second time was a complete enlightenment for me. All my fears, doubts and regrets evaporated when I touched her little hand. With each passing day, she showed me that I was afraid in vain and wisely and patiently taught me that motherly love has no boundaries, no numbers and no limits.
Today, I cannot imagine life without my two children – just them, just the way they are – each with their own individuality that fits perfectly into the puzzle pieces of my life. A life that has generously gifted me with not one but two priceless treasures – my daughters.
Author: Kristina Nestorova